by colleen on July 20, 2014

zenthings

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Falling in love with my kids

by colleen on July 3, 2014

As a pregnant lady, I am often told about how, once the insane exhausting first few weeks and months of my newborn’s life give way to a bit of a routine … once the feeding, sleeping, diapering, crying sleeplessness normalizes and the smiles and cooing begin…I will naturally fall in love with my baby. It will happen, many have told me, right around the time that my maternity leave is up and I have to go back to work.

What no one ever talks about, however, is what it’s like to fall in love with one’s own children. Few people share this experience. Usually, you give birth to a child, you nurture her, watch her grow. Loving happens as a play by play. You are experiencing your child’s life together from the start. Love is an intrinsic part of that. Evolutionary.

In the case of me, however, an #Instamom who came into my kids’ lives after I fell in love with their Dad, I experience the wonder somewhat differently (I think). I call them “my kids,” because we are raising them as such, although I am not their mother. Their mother was a beautiful, smart, vibrant, devoted Mom who tragically passed away when they were small.

Given who these kids are – the product of two incredible individuals with great heart and spirit – and knowing they deserve to have a Mom-figure around to help guide them through life, I have adopted them into my heart and my being as if they are my own. And so, naturally, they have become my own. And it’s remarkable.

When I look at our Littles, I am overtaken with a sweeping wave of love. It’s all around me like an ocean … I stand in it and can’t see the end of it. And waves keep coming … endlessly, no matter what I do. There is no reflection of self … they do not look like me and I can’t take ANY credit for their personalities, demeanors or spirits. Perhaps that makes me delight in them even more.

The littlest things like a morning kiss. Resting a head on my chest. Grabbing for my hand as we walk in a parking lot. Wanting to know every single thing about my life as a kid. Wanting to be near me all the time. How unabashedly open to and accepting of me they are, and have been from the start.

It lights up my heart … I can actually feel a bright beaming light there that connects up to my head. And if I try to THINK about it instead of just FEELING it, I tear up. Because it’s much too much. I can’t imagine my life without them. All I do is think about their futures and what life will be like for them. Everything has changed. I couldn’t have anticipated any of it, and couldn’t have dreamed of a more fulfilling love.

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Circle of Life

June 18, 2014

In August it will be five years that Dad’s been gone. Since then, I met the love of my life, became an #instamom, moved to the suburbs and got pregnant (our little girl also due in August). Lots has changed. I miss him all the time, especially in family moments like on my wedding day. (I […]

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self affirmation

June 18, 2014

Last year around this time I was still a single gal with 1 BR apt in the East Village 1 dog 1 cat 1 executive position at a TV network 1 30-minute daily commute Today I am a married #Instamom with 1 husband 2 kids 1 baby on way (ETA: 8/19/14) 2 cats 1 dog […]

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registries

June 16, 2014

amazon babies r us pinterest because people keep asking. the amazon stuff is the smaller day to day stuff. the babies r us has furniture and the like. gift cards are HUGE because they let us get what we really need. the pinterest board give you a sense of our style. i am not one for […]

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Preg-Spectives

June 4, 2014

Pregnancy is so weird. There is no privacy to it. Your “condition” is on display for all to see and speculate about. Some comments are unwittingly presumptuous and stress-inducing. Especially when they come from people you barely know and involve personal matters  that you may be struggling with or unsure of like: Weight gain Birth plan Maternity […]

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letter to my 20′s self

May 24, 2014

Relax. All those things you worry about, namely the ridiculous pressure you feel to find the love of your life and life’s purpose before turning 30? It’s bullshit. Even extending that deadline to 35… Still bullshit. Forget about timelines and deadlines as hard as that may be, given that you’ve been raised since birth to […]

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Noise

May 21, 2014

“If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary human life, it would be like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel’s heart beat, and we should die of that roar which lies on the other side of silence.” – George Eliot Tweet

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