Uncategorized, zen shit

Trapped in my blog — part 2

Things are getting surreal. Not that I’m complaining. I dig it. I don’t know what the F’s happening and that is a good, albeit scary sensation for a control freak like me.

When I re-started my blog back in January, I announced that my modus operandi was to make it less revelatory of my personal details. I didn’t want work colleagues to have access to pictures of me as Mauled Roy Horn, nor did I want my personal musings out there for just anyone to see. Also my Mom and various family members were regular readers of my blog and I felt inhibited by that. For so long I have tried to keep up a good girl image with them … I was afraid of them seeing my dark, naughty side which is a huge part of who I really am.

So I de-linked my blog from my home page and deleted the archives and started fresh.

Months ago I was frustrated with myself because I was not opening up enough. And now I am wondering if I am revealing too much. I’ve recently been hanging out with a couple of new guys and I am a little freaked at the thought of being such an open book. One of them has seen my blog before, though he claims he doesn’t have the link anymore (BTW, I think that’s a crock of shit, Mr. Renegade Nerd). The other one hasn’t seen it at all and I haven’t told him about it. He did a Google search on me and all he found was some article I wrote for PBS a few years ago.

So this is weird. I don’t know if I am comfortable with the thought of them seeing into me like this. Yes, a blog is a performance — not the real you. But something about the performance itself is still deeply personal. K said it really well in a recent email to me: “Blogs make us stealth social, somehow.”

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No Comment
  • colleen

    kate & lost, thanks for the comments. i think i am just gonna forge ahead. the issue now, it seems, is less the professional anxiety and more the personal. i am afraid of opening up to others in general. the blog discomfort is good for me. because i’m a masochist? maybe. but also because it’s like a baby step towards opening up more, being realer in real life.

  • Lost

    I don’t think you are revealing too much about yourself at all!

    But, it’s your blog and you can blog as you want to.

    I do think there are people who embellish for the sake of their blogs, probably b/c they have an audience now. But, I’d like to think I’m still me in my blog. No one else will listen to my musings!

    Rock on, girl…..

  • Kate

    If you wouldn’t find switching blog providers too annoying, you could go to livejournal or the new vox, which both allow you to filter your posts. Music recommendations? Public. Mauled Roy Horn shot (which is AWESOME)? Friends only.

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