Trapped in my blog — part 2
Things are getting surreal. Not that I’m complaining. I dig it. I don’t know what the F’s happening and that is a good, albeit scary sensation for a control freak like me.
When I re-started my blog back in January, I announced that my modus operandi was to make it less revelatory of my personal details. I didn’t want work colleagues to have access to pictures of me as Mauled Roy Horn, nor did I want my personal musings out there for just anyone to see. Also my Mom and various family members were regular readers of my blog and I felt inhibited by that. For so long I have tried to keep up a good girl image with them … I was afraid of them seeing my dark, naughty side which is a huge part of who I really am.
So I de-linked my blog from my home page and deleted the archives and started fresh.
Months ago I was frustrated with myself because I was not opening up enough. And now I am wondering if I am revealing too much. I’ve recently been hanging out with a couple of new guys and I am a little freaked at the thought of being such an open book. One of them has seen my blog before, though he claims he doesn’t have the link anymore (BTW, I think that’s a crock of shit, Mr. Renegade Nerd). The other one hasn’t seen it at all and I haven’t told him about it. He did a Google search on me and all he found was some article I wrote for PBS a few years ago.
So this is weird. I don’t know if I am comfortable with the thought of them seeing into me like this. Yes, a blog is a performance — not the real you. But something about the performance itself is still deeply personal. K said it really well in a recent email to me: “Blogs make us stealth social, somehow.”