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A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Personality Disorder

Holy crap. My cousin has just brought to my attention a remarkable Bostonian ─ a Don Juannabe who’s more like Ignatius Riley seeking his own Myrna Minkoff. And since she met him in the flesh, I have confirmation that he’s a real person.

Start with the background.

Then review his web site (if you have 40 hours to spare). And be sure to check out his “Girlfriend Job Description.”

Unprompted, the dude actually sent my cousin — a woman he barely knows — the following tome describing his “IDEAL ROMANTIC MATCH.” Here it is:

Manners and kindness to friends and strangers. Basic kindness and courtesy to others, particularly strangers.

Present, who focus completely on whomever they are talking with

Smart, smart, smart

Intellectual curiosity and a wide range of intellectual interests

Very, very verbal and highly articulate. Great conversationalist

Because I am verbal, if she has an accent, it can’t be hard to understand. If I hard to work to understand what she is saying, the verbal banter can never be great

High bandwidth, someone who can handle my intensity

Outgoing. The famous Boston reserve never did much for me.

Social grace, social charm and poise, those who make others feel comfortable

Outgoing. Likes to socialize

Dresses well. Likes to dress up

Passionate about life and love

Empathy and emotional intelligence

High energy

Optimistic. Views the glass as half full

Femininity, someone who is a girly girl

Highly romantic and incredibly affectionate. Comfortable with tasteful displays of public affection

Emotionally stable

Great sense of humor

Direct

Three extra brownie points:

If she has a strong interest in the arts and humanities — classics, literature, writing, music, drama, dance and the fine arts. Even extra expoints if she is actually creating or performing art, rather than analyzing it.

Entrepreneurs are always interesting — if they’re successful, they have to be talented in so many different areas.

If she has traveled a lot and/or speaks several foreign languages

What I’m not looking for?
====================

Smoking

Flakiness

Self-absorbed

Physical preferences
==================

Hair and eye color — I couldn’t care less.

Hair — Really frizy or curly hair does not appeal to me. Wavy hair is fine, as is straight hair.

Height — I’ve always found taller women to be attractive, but this is a very, very slight preference. I could definitely fall for a girl who is short.

Weight — Normal weight, a few pounds less or a few pounds more. Really thin does not appeal to me (I like curves on a girl) and more than a few pounds overweight does not appeal to me either. I am definitely not as fussy about weight as many guys are.

Bust — My fantasy girl is quite buxom. Normal bust is acceptable, small or no bust is not. A girl I dated was totally flat chested and it just didn’t work for me.

I prefer women who dress well and wear clothes that show off their figure — the sexier the clothes they wear, the better.

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No Comment
  • Charlie Frost

    What a Whanker!!

    Self absorded jackass…I feel pity for the women that thinks this dude is a piece of OK!!

  • Industriage

    Seriously? Seriously. (is the blog name, but also works for Mr. Number One Stunner)

    http://www.seriouslysquared.blogspot.com

  • colleen

    Kate — you said it: perversely fascinating. really seems like a hoax to me but we have eye witness proof that this guy is for real!

    PH — Yeah … hair texture … too much! BTW, someone did a Google search on “flat chested” yesterday and it brought them to this post. Heh.

    Industriage — link away. The world ought to know. I was looking for your blog and couldn’t find it. what’s the link?

  • Industriage

    okay, I’m biting off a piece of your blog and linking your post—because this story is TOOO amazing.

  • PH

    Wow. How generous…he could care less about eye color or hair color, but apparently he’s concerned with the hair texture?vqlvo

  • Kate

    “What I’m not looking for?
    ====================

    Smoking

    Flakiness

    Self-absorbed”

    Damn. He lost me right there.

    God, that website is perversely fascinating. I couldn’t tear myself away. “Staggering Personality Disorder,” to say the least.

  • colleen

    yeah. my cousin said he looks like a slobbier version of phillip seymor hoffman as capote … which makes it all the more hilarious. not as funny as a bird on the shoulder, though.

  • kristina

    i wish this kind of jack-assery were an anomaly – where does this guy get off? i predict a mail order bride in his near future (oh, but that would be problematic, as she would have an accent, and that just SO hampers the conversational flow). i noticed there weren’t any photos of him on the web site. i’m sure he’s a real “number one stunner” (in the words of a hip hop song whose name i can’t recall at the moment). you have to laugh.

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