my kind of man: revisited
it’s not healthy to get caught up in romanticized dreams of a future mate, is it? I believe in the power of now: the fact that all we really have is the current moment. The past is an illusion and the future is a dream. All fulfillment lies in the present moment. We should cherish each day, each conversation we have with one another, and not get swept up in past regrets or future fantasies – they only blind us to the present.
But that Zen shit doesn’t always work. I’m a girl, a dreamer and a lover and I can’t help but wonder when I’ll meet a counterpart to share everything with. In the past year and 3 months since I wrote my last “ideal man” description, I’ve learned some important lessons. Perhaps the most salient idea I’ve come to appreciate is power of positive thinking: the rule of attraction. What you think about is what you draw into your life. Expect the extraordinary, and it will manifest. Conversely, if you constantly think about what you don’t want, you’ll get it. Not everyone agrees with this concept, but to me, it’s true.
Looking at the description I wrote last year, I notice that some negativity crept in there. I said I wanted someone gentle, expressive, and empathetic, not macho and repressed. I took it a step further and called those who are macho and repressed “assholes.” I understand why I said that. I can see how my default settings sent me on the offensive there. I’ve been hurt (we all have). When I needed to feel validated, as a little girl and as a young woman, I was left wanting. Over the years, I developed a thick armor to protect myself from repeated hurts. Gradually and then suddenly, I was a full-grown woman who couldn’t allow herself to be vulnerable. Like Tim Meadows riding Total Bastard Airlines: “I’m cool, I wear a suit, no way I’m a loser.”
It’s hard to climb down from the Rapunzel tower after spending all those years up there, but I’m leaving. Slowly. I don’t need the defenses anymore. I am an adult now, and I can choose who I look to for validation and affection, and how I ask for it. In the meantime, patience.