col’s 'set me up' challenge

alright everybody. it’s come to my attention that i have a decent amount of familiar (pre-qualified) eyeballs here, mindful of my dad’s recent passing. friends and family are concerned and curious. you want to know how i am doing, how my family’s doing. you’ve observed that we seem to be coping in a healthy manner. you are right.

and as the seasons change, and the beat goes on, i find myself getting somewhat back to normal, whatever that is. dating is tough when you have a terminally ill parent. you’re just trying to get to know someone, but the reality is, you are living in crisis. dating is hard enough – add that extra level of weirdness and well, forget it. at least for me. it’s like a pain sunday with extra anxiety on top. no thanks.

consequently, i haven’t really put myself out there in a while. i was doing the online thing for a bit, but have not had much luck with that over the years. the guys i meet on there are usually socially awkward in one way or another. or they are gay and haven’t realized it yet (i adore my gay buds, but i desire a straight man).


so, to jumpstart my return to the land of the living i am offering a prize of unprecedented proportions. as you may know, i write speeches for and advise some of the most influential minds in the world of media. i create marketing campaigns for the top television network in America, make web sites for best-selling novelists, and share my insights into all kinds of communications – from personal to institutional to social and artistic.

in exchange for a good set up, i will offer THREE solid hours of my formidable expertise to meet your media needs. need a web site? i’ll create a plan for getting it done and set you up to implement. want a resume or cover letter critique? no problem. career bio, wedding speech, official sounding letter implying severe legal consequences? consider it done.

you’ll be a shining star if you succeed in setting me up on a successful date with a suitable match. a successful date, in my opinion, will generally last at least three hours. now, “suitable” is subjective so here is a basic set of criteria to help guide your matchmaking.

1)      You shall set me up with a man who is single, emotionally available, who wants to meet a nice girl, have a fun time and, if it all works, explore something more serious.

2)      You shall set me up with a guy who is intelligent, funny, attractive and athletic. He does not have to be exceptional in every single one of these areas, but he should be roughly comparable to my own level of intelligence, humor, attractiveness and athleticism. I’ve tried dating up and down in the various categories. It doesn’t work. ****REVISED 9/11/09 at 10:33 a.m.: A trusted adviser has urged me to clarify that said individual must also be “genuine and not self-absorbed.” Very true. I’ve tangled with more than my fair share of narcissists and phonies. Basta.

3)      You shall set me up with someone who can not only tolerate my “quirkiness” … but who actually cherishes it. For example, the “Start Me Up” video … if I could, I would be acting this out for you right now. I’d be hamming it up just like Mick. also note: Halloween is my favorite holiday … I want a man who can roll with that. He’s gotta love the wackiness cause that is the essence of my personality. While I can be responsible, practical, reliable and all that, I am mostly a goofball. I live for fun. I want a guy who gets that.

4)      You shall set me up with a guy who not only tolerates my animals, but also shares a love for them. I have dated dudes in the past who loathed and or were indifferent to my cat. Let it suffice to say that none of those worked out. Love me, love my animals. Case closed.

So that’s it lovelies. I defy you to set me up. The sooner you find me a good man, the sooner I make your media star shine. Have at it. If you start me up … give it all you got … you got to never, never, never stop! (Until I tell you to, of course.)

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  • […] The response to the “Set me up challenge” has been scattered. I moved a former classmate to a state of rage … my megalomaniacal tendencies […]

  • superdave524

    That fella reminds me of THIS fella.

  • Khalid, You remind me of another criterion I forgot to mention.

    5) You shall set me up with someone who is comfortable with (and absent the desire to murder) a gal who, ironically while requiring a humble man, is an egomaniac herself.

    Salam Alikom,

  • This might be a match made in Allah’s image. I am about to be released from Guantanamo Bay and I am in the need of two things, sex with a white devil and a speech I will give the Western world on why I killed said white devil because she is more narcissistic than Hitler. Don’t get me wrong, I was a big fan of Hitler.

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