how i feel

Welcome: the realization that I am just where I want to be. More or less. Free yet grounded, and open. Healthy and constantly regenerating. Same but different. Same same, but different. The ones I love I love hard. It’s easy, so easy. Twirling my hair. Remembering funny things and smiling. Hearing sad things and crying. Kate said she dreamt she walked into my parents’ basement and my Dad was there, alive, holding baby Anna. Oh, that made me happy. But I still cried cause I cry easy.

How much to disclose here, and everywhere, is a question, always. Exhausting. Ignore me. Began this missive whilst riding the bus back from Boston. Playing on my iPad. Thinking of all those conversations I had with cousin Kate.

– How much harder it is to have a baby than anyone ever tells you before you do it.
– People we know fixating on the wrong things: status, money, superficial pursuits.
– How sometimes, great men don’t seek great women, thereby making themselves average men.

Good stuff too, we talk about happy stuff. Not all Irish Catholic harshness and morbidity.

– How lucky we are we love the people our siblings, cousins, etc. brought into the family.
– And the joy of beholding a new life.
– And how beautifully chubbster my niece is.
– And the dude I have a crush on.

We gossip and eat chips and M&Ms and wear sweats to get our nails done. And that beautiful baby girl Anna Mae makes adorable, hilarious sounds and faces as we kvell and kvell. Incredible to see this, feel this. Be here. Wouldn’t change a thing if I could.

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