the fein brothers

We grew up with Barry and Lewis in Hillsdale, NJ. Barry was in my grade and Lewis was in Brian’s grade. I don’t think we were all BEST friends but I believe we all liked and respected each other.

Barry and Lewis were childhood renegades. They did not behave like stereotypical dopey submissive children. They were smart and cynical and not afraid to get into trouble.  (A stark contrast from the Kenny children who had the trembling fear of my Dad in us – nobody messed with Big Andy K, certainly not the Kenny kids).

Barry & Lew’s Mom, Sybil, was a larger than life personality. She was bossy and loud and nothing like our Mom. The story I always tell: at Barry’s birthday party in 3^rd or 4^th grade I did not want the cake. Sybil demanded I try it. “EAT IT. IT’S GOOD FOR YOU.” Like most kids, I didn’t have the temerity to argue with Sybil. I ate the cake.

In 5^th grade or thereabouts, Brian and Lewis became deeply enmeshed in a role playing game called TOP SECRET. It was like a cooler, espionage version of “Dungeons & Dragons.” Due in large part to his frustration at being the younger child, Barry betrayed Lewis revealing all of his private game plans to the enemy. He did it in dramatic fashion by reading his brother’s playbook verbatim into the answering machine of the captain of the opposing team.

Lewis’s fate in the game was sealed. Eventually the tapes got into Brian’s hands, and then into my hands. We were amused by Barry’s maniacal laughter and utter treachery. And being a young tech maven with a double tape deck, I decided to create a phony “interview” with Barry’s voice clips.

5^th Grade Col: “So Barry, what do you think about me.”

5^th Grade Barry; “YOU’RE THE BEST! YOU’RE THE BEST!”

5^th Grade Col: “How often do you bathe?”

5^th Grade Barry; “NEVER! Do you hear me? Never!!!!!”

Not that funny out of context, but back then it was hilarious.

Years went by. After 7^th and 8^th grade at George G White School the Fein brothers headed to Pascack Hills High School (where my Mom taught) and Brian and I headed to Pascack Valley (the school on the other side of town with better athletic teams).

The last time I saw Barry was at the Pascack Hills Junior Prom … a guy we went to grammar school with had asked me. I really didn’t want to go but felt obligated because he went to my church and his Dad had died a few years before. It was a sympathy date. Turned out once I got there, he DITCHED me! Fortunately Barry and Jake were in tow and talked with me so I wouldn’t feel like a complete leper.

That was about 20 years ago. Years back, I reconnected with Barry and Lewis online. Barry writes a blog called The Barry Rides featuring his perpetually juvenile sensibility and obsession with Hitler references and shit. We occasionally exchange IMs in which he rips on my megalomaniacal tendencies and I attempt to understand the utter shitshow that is his family. All joking aside, it’s one of those weird lifelong friendships that both of us are loyal to … sort of. Yet, every time I am in Los Angeles and have time to do anything social with tier 3 friends, I find that Barry slinks out. He says he’ll meet up, and then when the day comes, he bails.

On this past trip, the elder Fein brother, Lewis, was kind enough to peel 1.5 hours out of his precious schedule to take me to a very cool bookstore, and then to get truffle popcorn at the Peninsula Hotel. It was fun, it was civilized and, as Lew pointed out, it was the first time we had seen each other since my Grandma was walking me to Ann Blanche Smith School in 1982. Barry, in contrast, skipped out on our plans and instead chose to see Captain America. Awesome. Not to worry tho, I will be back again this Fall, ready to be indulged and/or ditched in ever more creative ways. Until then, Fein brothers!