emo girl: anger turned inward
there’s a saying i know from all my self-help/years of shrinkage: “depression is anger turned inwards.“ you are really pissed about uncontrollable external circumstances (i.e.: other people, the world, the weather) and instead of getting mad at them for sucking, you turn the anger on yourself.
people who had authoritarian or neglectful upbringings often suffer from this — it’s a coping mechanism for kids who are afraid of getting mad at their parents for being assholes. instead of being mad, they get low on themselves. children of alcoholics suffer from this the most. my parents were loving but i definitely had the fear of shame and punishment instilled in me by my hardass Dad, driving my desire for perfection in all adults’ eyes.
now i’m an adult and i know better but those behaviors are ingrained, instinctive and easily triggered. fortunately i have the self awareness and wherewithal to know when i am more vulnerable (like now … month of august after missing my whole summer due to 24-7 work melded with the negatron memories of illness and death). unfortunately i can’t always control my immediate reaction to external circumstances. sometimes i get rattled. HATE that i do, but I’m human and this is my thing, my rock of sisyphus — learning how to cope with bullies, douchebaggery, dopes and just crap that happens in the world. need to make like teflon and and not let them flap me.
note to self, don’t forget the mantra: BOSSYPANTS, BOSSYPANTS, BOSSYPANTS!