can’t believe you’ve been with us a year already!
i love you so much, beautiful boy!
Entries categorized as ‘love’
happy birthday liam!
July 15, 2008 · 3 Comments
Categories: love
letting it ride
July 14, 2008 · 3 Comments
The bike is a dream, I must say. I bought a lock for it today so I can make the occasional stop and leave it outside at pal’s places, stores, etc. Am totes p-noid that someone’s gonna steal it since it’s so cool looking. Alas, que sera sera. That’s an approach I am taking to life overall. It’s a period of pretty epic stress. My Dad is very ill. Compounding the matter is a general denial of reality, or at least the refusal to articulate it … the ongoing propensity to “protect” my brothers, family and friends by pretending it’s all under control. Nothing’s under control. Such is life.
I struggle with how much to disclose, and to whom. You hear about “very private people.” I am not one of those, clearly − my biz is all over the internets. I don’t want pity, I don’t want morbid attention (positive attention? Bring it). But I hate walking around acting like everything’s dandy. It’s hard to give a shit about anything else. The day-to-day stuff that occupies my time is unimportant, but at the same time I’m glad for the distraction. Am fortunate to have an amazing network of people supporting me − family, friends, colleagues. Plus I’m being good to myself −eating well, exercising lots, not working too much. I know this too shall pass but in the meantime, as my pals have helped me acknowledge, I am in it. I’m in it and it blows.
After I bought the lock I drove down to the new Whole Foods in Tribeca (so close — dream!). Got ingredients for a Warm Garbanzo and Quinoa Salad. Cost me 8 bucks. Chucked it all in my backpack and cruised home. Am totes impressed with how well the meal came out. Am also starting to feel myself metamorphosize into something new. In spite of the difficulties, I feel I am on a good path. Lately that good path involves a bike path.
the adventure continues …
July 12, 2008 · 4 Comments
Sorry to keep ya’ll dangling on the outcome of the closed-door dating event I hyped last week. As it turns out, I had a fun experience. No love connections, no Col and soul mate sitting on a couch, holding hands and talking with Barbara Wawa in my future … but still fun.
3PM: I left work early to get a blow out and makeup done at one of my favorite places in the world − Blow Styling Salon. I am totes pals with the head stylist, David, and I adore the staff and the general environment. When I walked in I was scraggly, stressed out, anxious. Naturally my skin had broken out just in time for my big TV moment (Murphy’s Law). Well, they calmed me down and took care of everything. By the time I walked out I looked absolutely fabulous and was cool, calm and collected.
5PM: With one exception − I still didn’t know what I was wearing. I’ve been in wardrobe limbo of late. Am not fitting the clothes I wore the past two summers when I was marathon training and just generally in better shape. The invitation said to dress as you would on a first date. The last first date I had (a few weeks ago) I wore board shorts, a tank top & flip flops. Not an option. I swung by Darling for a last minute shock and awe shopping expedition and picked up a really cute purplish-pink dress, which I already had the perfect shoes and jewelry to complement. Score!
6:30 PM: As I approached the event location in Chelsea I saw all the other participants congregating outside. They held us out there like cattle for a bit while they continued to get set up inside. There were cameras everywhere − inside and outside. A quick scan of the dudes had me bummed. I saw lots of meek-seeming guys, dudes with long ponytails, and several fashion emergencies to boot. Can’t judge a book by its cover, indeed, but posture alone is quite telling. I generally think online dating attracts a type of man that I am not suited to date, and since this event drew participants from a pool of online dater profiles, I was not very hopeful. Met some cool gals while waiting in the line and we walked in together.
7:00 PM: They fed us copious amounts of alcohol and not very much food. Everyone received a little booklet with icebreaker exercises and 5 matches to guys who’d be there that night. I recognized one of the dudes on my cards as a gent I had actually communicated over email with many months back. We were supposed to get coffee or something like that and he just disappeared into the ether. I spotted him early on and he was cute from far away.
8:00 PM: Dr. Helen Fisher gave a talk. She was lovely. So smart talking about neuroscience …. a subject I, too, am interested in … and she looked terrific. By then I had had several drinks and was just roaming around talking with anyone and everyone. I approached the prior-communication dude and he had no recollection of our earlier exchange. He also acted like he didn’t know I was one of the 5 matches listed in his book. My esteem for him immediately plummeted. Too cool is not attractive. Neither is excessive gel and cologne, both of which he was rocking. I kept talking with him until some random guy walked up and tried one of the icebreaker things on me, giving me a great out.
8:30 PM: I continued to mingle, chatting with totally random dudes and dudettes. I am actually quite comfortable in that sort of setting, especially after 3 red wines. I ran into a very interesting guy … an Eco Pirate. He was one of the long hair ponytail guys. He goes on anti-poaching expeditions, is vegan, does that whole critical mass biking thing. Very interesting to talk with. Our bond was science, zen shit and general bemusement at the whole event. The aloof gel man of course came trolling back and tried to get back in the mix. He wanted to make fun of the Eco Pirate but was unsuccessful and I totes blew him off. I actually sort of enjoyed that − he was such a jerk.
9:00 PM: I approached Dr. Fisher, told her how cool she, how fascinating her work is … that I’d watched her TED talks on YouTube. I recommended that she read Biology of Transcendence by Joseph Chilton Pearce, and told her that she looked amazing in her little white dress. She was gracious and admitted that she had worked her ass off to fit into that dress and felt great wearing it.
9:30 PM: Tipsy and starving, I decided to make my exit and invited the Eco Pirate to get Mexican food with me nearby. On my way out the party organizers asked us to turn in our cards saying who we’d like to see again. I said no one, sorry. The lady said, “Not one?” The answer was no. There were many nice people but no one I had any chemistry with and that’s the whole point. Eco Pirate was a nice dude with interesting stories and adventures, but not a love connection. We had a nice dinner and I was home by 10:30.
11:00 PM: I texted David and several pals to tell them I had fun and looked hot but didn’t meet any dudes. David’s reply was: “You’ll find him. I’ll find him. We r all in the same boat. Keep your head up!”
Categories: love
love
July 9, 2008 · 3 Comments
socrates says “know thyself.” buddha says “love thyself”
buddha is far more true.
unless you love yourself you will never love yourself.
knowing comes only later on.
love prepares the ground. love is the possibility of knowing oneself; love is the right way to know oneself.
fun (or am i nuts?)
July 7, 2008 · 15 Comments
this thursday night i’ll be attending a closed-door dating event hosted by Dr. Helen Fisher, ABC, and Chemistry.com. there will be cameras and everything and i had to sign a waiver saying that if i end up going out with any of the dudes they set me up with (they chose 5 for me), i have to agree to have cameras go on the date! the event is attached to Fisher’s new book (a work in progress) that will be featured in an upcoming hour long Barbara Walters/ABC News Special broadcast next January. the whole thing’s a touch wacky, but it also sounds like a fun experiment. the big question now is … what to wear. the producers emailed to say solids not prints. decisions, decisions.
nudge love
June 24, 2008 · 2 Comments
hard to believe he’s gonna be one next month.
Categories: love · uncategorized
do you see what i see?
June 18, 2008 · 1 Comment
when i was little, before i completely grasped the concept of “hide and seek,” i would put my head down on the table, cover my eyes and proclaim, “you can’t see me!” ahh, young ego. reminds me of this post today from daily om:
What we see and don’t see may just be a matter of perspective, like the ladybug who sees the leaf on which she sits, but not the tree the leaf grows on, or the person sitting beneath it. And the person beneath the tree may or may not see the ladybug, depending on where he focuses his attention. Still, all of these things, whether seen or not seen by the person or the ladybug, exist in reality. Some people are more gifted at accessing that which we cannot see, but given an open and willing heart, anyone can tune into the invisible realm and begin to find their way.
long & loose
June 18, 2008 · 4 Comments
art − ash and i saw the david byrne “play the building” exhibit, right by the staten island ferry, a week ago. we enjoyed it. it was one of those shows where you go, you see it, you get it, and you leave. unless you’re a hipster out cruisin’ for dates, in which case you linger and prepare pedantic pickup lines for dudes with mustaches and chicks with femullets. speaking of uber coolness, i still haven’t made it over to the murakami exhibit, but shall shortly. and damnit i missed the telectroscope thing in brooklyn, whereby you can look through a telescope and see (and wave to) people in london.
film − linda and i saw the satc movie. i really liked. it’s a showcase of these four wonderful characters, and an homage to friendship, and liberated women living life on their own terms. i was late to the satc party … i only started watching after the 3rd or 4th season … early on i was a snob in the “it’s shallow and frivolous” camp. i only had eyes for SFU. but once i gave the show a shot i realized there was much more to the characters and the entire dynamic. i also understand why so many people are threatened by what the show represents … women going after and getting what they want, enjoying pleasurable things, sustaining themselves through their own wits, charms and relationships rather than relying on men and traditional institutions like marriage to take care of them.
zen shit − sunday after yoga i stopped off at the east west bookstore (a favorite zen col hangout) and picked up another title – “meditation” − by indian mystic and guru osho, whom i’ve been reading a lot of lately. made my way over to the water and read, lazed there most of the afternoon on a sweet perch. time passed and group of people came by and sat around me on said perch. at first i was irritated because their banter was distracting me from my book. but once i started listening i discovered that they were a meditation group … and they were talking a lot about osho! the leader, a lovably crazy hippie lady, had known him well … she was talking about building a sod worship center in india. the students shared their troubles and concerns … both abstract and specific. how they struggle with silencing their minds … and are addicted to the mental drama in spite of knowing it’s no good for anybody. one woman couldn’t stand being paid $40 an hour for her engineering skills due to the bad economy (she’s used to receiving double that). another was worried about her green card coming though. another still was saying that he can’t see himself riding out a desk job for the rest of his life. together they brainstormed about creating a food cart business that caters to manhattan professionals — healthy, organic, high-end indian food. they discussed the leadership team, distribution and their marketing plan. they were interesting, warm and i felt like a part of their group (and sort of was). a lovely day by the water.
reading is fun-damental
June 5, 2008 · No Comments
thanks everybody for the reading tips. right now i am reading a fantastic osho book: love, freedom and aloneness. and thanks to some of the great comments here on col’s blog, here are some of the additional titles on my list now …
the seeker’s guide — by Elizabeth Lesser
the untethered soul: the journey beyond yourself — by michael a. singer
perfect brilliant stillness — by david carse
the rocking horse winner — by d.h. lawrence
here comes everybody: the power of organizing without organizations — by clay shirky
one minute nonsense –by anthony de mello
qote (quote of the evening)
June 2, 2008 · 1 Comment
Man is born to live, not to prepare for life. - Boris Pasternak
