col’s blog

me and my new boyfriend, charlie v.

heading out tomorrow a.m. to meet my college buds for a long weekend in bethany beach, DE. last time we were together we were in arkansas for our friend’s funeral. it is so hard to believe 9 months have passed already. am looking forward to kicking back and not doing anything but laughing, relaxing and sharing stories with people who deeply know and love me. fun, fun i want more fun in my life. this, dear sirs, is a step in the right direction.

cause i know you all get worried when i’m not dancing on a monday …

Rufus and I came across a Hot Wheels chained up like a bike on West 10th Street yesterday. There was a bottle of Smirnoff on the floor.

Night before Father’s Day: Am up at my parents’ house. In the spare room. The blankets have my Dad’s smell and I am relishing that. He’s downstairs, watching TV. That’s all he does: TV, sleep. He doesn’t eat so my Mom gives him Ensure. Ensure and Gatorade. And, in small doses,Vodka.

He can still stand up on his own, though it takes a while to steady himself. He can walk, albeit feebly. Just when you think he’s asleep and not listening, he chimes in. He knows exactly what’s going on. He knows he’s dying.

There’s that Langston Hughes poem I love: “birthin is hard and dying is mean so get yourself some lovin in between.” We’re at the dying being mean part. Mean, so mean and loooooong.

I feel like my own life has been on hold for over a year. No doubt I pressed the pause button myself … Nobody made me… But I am still tired of it. At the same time I don’t want to fast forward because that means he won’t be here anymore.

Role modeling – I forgot what it was like to be a leader. We have interns this summer and I am their supervisor. They are smart and fun. So sharp, srsly. They are doing good work, and they are teaching me stuff too. I dig it.

Picks – We saw The Hangover and loved it. Funny. Adolescent humor. Men being jackasses together and the mayhem that ensues in the absence of a woman’s touch. I am way into True Blood. Someone was saying it’s like vampire porn. I wouldn’t simplify it to that. There’s definitely sexy fodder for the horndogs, but a fantastic story and characters are what drive the bus. Visually gorgeous, and an aura — the cool creepiness of a Louisiana town — that gets you. Allan Ball did it again!

Duds – I am in the middle of a clothing crisis. I have these all the time. Don’t have the dough, time or patience it takes to acquire a good wardrobe. I really wish I could get on one of those makeover shows where they clean out your whole closet and give you new things. A fresh start. Pimp my closet, yo. I need it!

Lean Machine – I punked out. The videos were getting mixed in with a youtube channel I set up for a client so I took them all down. Also they were soooo embarrassing. And a reminder of the fact that I have not kept on track. My social life picked up recently and I suspended the utilitarian focus. At some point a modicum of stability will return to my life and I will retrn to  a routine. And in the meantime I am starting a bootcamp class next week. 6 am to 7:30 am twice a week. Should be interesting!

And here’s Rufus in my pillows playing a little Rufe-a-boo.

the weather girls “it’s raining men.”

i picked up the book eat pray love about 2 years ago. everyone was talking about it in my chick circles. i read the first 1/5th of the book and had to put it down. i hated the narrator. she was shallow, entitled and not a good writer. she came off as a whiner and a complainer looking for an expedient solution to the challenge of self exploration.

i am no snob and do not eschew Oprah book club selections.  nor am i against travel as a means of getting a fresh perspective. but i think it’s a load of crap to think that you can pick up and cure yourself of life’s existential problems in a mere matter of months by eating a load of pasta and banging a bunch of exotic dudes. the true explorer learns to live and sit with oneself in the real world. in the day-to-day; in the depth of genuine, ongoing relationships. it may not be glamorous or a ticket to extreme fame and wealth, but it is one’s own.

since my short-lived experience with the book, several people in my immediate circles have asked if i read it. i said yeah i tried but had to put it down. at dinner last night P said her esteem for people drops a notch if they recommend that book. i loved that, and snobbily agreed (ok yes so i am a snob).  when i heard that julia roberts of all people will be playing the lead in the movie adaptation my revulsion was reaffirmed. and javy, how could you do it?

Aretha! Weird effects courtsey of Photogene. Ominous presence: all her own.